Christmas Blog 2013

CHRISTMAS BLOG 2013

Would you trust this woman with your Christmas dinner?

Hi, friends and fam,

If you were here right now you would be sticking out your tongue at me.  Why, you ask?  Because the work part of my Christmas  is over.  Finished.  My children have come and gone.  I am free and easy.

Why, I just grabbed a baggie of leftover turkey out of the fridge, pulled out a turkey leg, poured salt on it , and voraciously ripped into it while reaching for a handful of  Lay’s potato chips with the other hand.  That was dinner.  I am sitting here without a care in the world writing this.  Before you hatch a plot to undermine me, let me fill you in on what has happened along the way…

You’ve heard of the Peter Principle, haven’t you?  It claims that people are promoted beyond their level of competence so that they become incompetent. People should stay where they belong doing what they do best. Well, I’m a perfect example of this theory. I never asked to be made commander- in -chief of Christmas dinner. From ages 10 until about 35, I was perfectly happy and quite accomplished at performing my Christmas dinner duties at my parents’ house.  They included these important tasks:

 *ask guests if they wanted iced tea or 7-Up  (only allowed on holidays) with dinner

* pick leftover remnants of meat off the turkey carcass with my bare hands (I was quite good at this)

*put the jelly on the table in a lovely bowl

*eat the turkey neck – My mother boiled it just for me.  I was special.

If only I could have stayed with what I knew, I could have had a lifetime of feeling fulfilled and good about myself.  Instead, read on for a sampling of what I’ve been through.

I took off early on Thursday to begin the grand Christmas preparations. Nancy kindly picked me up from work. We proceeded to the store where I purchased $282 worth of holiday groceries.  I then remembered quite suddenly  (okay, I really had never really “forgotten”) that I had a hair appointment and that she needed to drop me off immediately.  Poor Nancy had to go home and put all those groceries away  all by herself while I read People magazine for a few hours at the hairdresser’s.  I felt so bad.  I still do.  She did an admirable job under the circumstances.  I did find an unexplained bit of celery on top of the fridge the next day , but I  just chopped it up and threw it in the dressing. 

To my dismay, I discovered too late that there was not enough time to defrost the turkey in the fridge; I had to defrost it in the sink.  Who made up these rules anyway?  What happened to putting it on the counter overnight? Once again, I didn’t sign up for this.  You may ask why I didn’t get a fresh turkey.  I tried one once, and I must admit that I thoroughly missed the chemicals and flavorings in a good old Butterball turkey.  It just wasn’t Christmas without the sweet taste of sodium.  Once I got the water to stay in the sink, I pulled a Tizzie.  I accidentally dropped a bottle of vanilla into the water.  I debated just leaving it and seeing how it tasted.  Isn’t that how great culinary discoveries are made?  By accident? I can see it now “Mama O’s Vanilla Turkey.” ….Oh, and I haven’t eaten a turkey neck in years since my son announced that all the hormones are injected into the turkey’s neck.  I decided to rectify that this year and enjoy a turkey neck all to myself.  Unfortunately, I burned it in a pan and the smell caused my family to considered evacuating.  As usual, they were too lazy for that and just opened every window in the house.  It was 15 degrees outside, so I didn’t mind a bit.  And my turkey neck got tossed aside.  Maybe next year.

In my frenzy to wrap gifts, I accidentally picked up a pair of slippers, wrapped them, and put them under the tree for my daughter.  I  could have sworn I  had already wrapped a pair for her and I didn’t think that the slippers looked like the pair she had picked out, but , I figured that I  must be mistaken. Eventually, my daughter wondered what had happened to the slippers she had purchased ME for Christmas…well, I did get them back and I have them on right now.  (Remember my Christmas work is already over)..To my credit, I only “lost” one gift this year which is quite a good record for me.  I did find it in the nick of time (no pun intended). I had stuck Nancy’s Surface tablet in a Talbots bag in my drawer.  When I opened the drawer, I thought I had stumbled upon a surprise gift for me from Bob.  It took me awhile to discover  - I would say “remember”, but that would be lying –that the Talbot’s bag held her gift.

I had a minor tizhap.  Instead of distilled water for my Shark steam mop, I purchased purified water for baby formula.  It contained fluoride.  I considered just using it anyway, but I was afraid, with my luck, that my shark might actually grow teeth.

I had to risk the certain wrath of my husband for moving all the crap from around the house into our bedroom.  We will undoubtedly spend the next six months looking for some of it.  Of course, I wasn’t allowed to move the 6 (six) National Geographics he’s decided to catch up on this week.  They couldn’t be moved or messed with and must remain exactly by his chair in the living room.  I did find a basket for them and placed them in it – in date order, of course.  By the time our house was “cleaned up” for the kids, our own bedroom looked like, in the words of my husband, “your mother’s junk room.”  We have managed to make our way to what I think is our bed each night and fall in.

Don’t forget the cookie baking.  Nancy and I managed to produce some cookies that actually look mainstream.  No one would know a couple of derelicts produced them.  Anyway, baking cookies is only half of it.  Then you have to hide them.  You do hide your cookies, don’t you?   My mother was the master of this.  No cookie or piece of fudge was eaten before its time.  They were all hidden away and my mother was the Doberman guarding them. I thought I was doing great.  My husband started snooping around asking for cookies.  I told him to leave the room and count to ten and I would bring him 2 (two) cookies.  He did not go for that dictum.  You should have seen his glee when he lifted the lid off the electric roaster and discovered the whole stash.  It was most disheartening for the cookie bakers – me and Nancy.  He did NOT stick to the “two only” rule.

Well, I could go on, but it’s getting very late.

The out-of-town kids did come home. And they've  left. The tree now has nothing beneath it.  The gifts all got to approximately the right person.  The cookies are nearly gone.  The leftover turkey is dwindling fast.  Despite my ineptitude, another Christmas  gathering has come and gone in our family.  Next year we’ll have a picture-perfect Christmas.  I’m sure of it.  ..In the meantime, I am thankful for my family, my friends, my health, and all the good things God has given me.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

All petered out,

I remain

Tizzie/Tizmom/Mom/Liz/Elizabeth